Pain echoes.

Something that can be hard about blogging is making sure that you are only sharing your own experiences and story, when as humans, our journeys all become intricately intertwined with each other. Since beginning this blog, I have tried to be very conscious about not writing about other people and their experiences, as those are their stories alone to share how they wish. This can be a double-edged sword. In one instance, it can seem as though our mental health journeys are not affected by other people and theirs too, which is false because we all impact each other. No person is an island after all. Back in November and December, there was a person in my life whose behaviour had a really big effect on my mental health, however I didn’t want to write about what was happening because I would have felt too guilty. Secondly, there does come a point where the impact of others is immense, and thus it becomes your experience too, but obviously from a different perspective. In these cases, I’m trying to believe that it is okay to write about it, as long as privacy is maintained, and that where possible, permission is asked. However, I also get scared that it will appear like I’m making situations all about me, when that really isn’t the case (or at least I hope not! What if I’m blind to that? Shut up brain.).

Please take note that from here on out, this piece discusses suicide. Please put yourself first, and head to a different page if this is unhelpful for your present state. It’s okay to take care of yourself, and that’s what I want you to do.

Lately, there has been a lot going on, especially for my lovely husband. It would feel wrong not to address it. I have talked to him about sharing this on the blog, and he was more than okay with it. He is much better than I am at tackling stigma by talking about difficult things.

A lot of what has happened is pain. And how that pain echoes throughout the lives of everyone who is around.

Very recently, one of his colleagues died by suicide. It came as a shock to my husband, and for the rest of his workplace too. He wasn’t super close with the person, but they would see each other and chat daily. They would joke around with each other, and he liked her collection of figurines which spread across her desk.

For him and his colleagues, there is a gaping emptiness in their community now. The unbearable pain which she must have felt echoes.

What do you do now?

There is no manual for the people who continue living after suicide.

How can somebody be there one day, and gone the next?

There is no singular right way to cope with suicide, I don’t think. Both for the person involved, and those around them.

It’s just a really, really immensely horrible situation.

autumn, daylight, environment

And then, two days later, I heard about what happened to one of our WordPress mental health bloggers and advocates. Reading much later on what she wrote broke my heart. The desperation and pain she must have been feeling is indescribable. Thankfully because of a few very proactive bloggers, she was reached in time. I am hoping with my entire being that she will receive the help she deserves now, and both her and her family are in my thoughts.

In my little 22 years, more friends than I like to count have expressed their suicidal thoughts to me. A handful have attempted, and I am so thankful that they are alive today.

It is the most heartbreaking thing.

At 19, a friend attempted suicide at the New Year’s Eve party which I was hosting at my parent’s house.

The police had to kick down a door to get to her.

The pain of that night and day is insurmountable. I cannot describe how much it impacted everybody who attended, and also how much it must have impacted her too.

She hasn’t spoken to me since that day. But that’s okay. That’s not important in the big scheme of things. The main thing is that she is okay.

I don’t even know how, or what else to say. It kind of all speaks for itself.

Where to from here?

People care.

God, people care and love so incredibly much.

If one good thing is to come out of all of this horror, it’s finding out that people care and love, so immensely, so deeply. They care so much that their heart breaks as yours does too.

Secondly, if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please, please tell someone.

Share your struggles. Talk and cry and scream and talk more. Just tell somebody.

You will feel better than you do in the moment. It is possible for the pain to evolve into something good.

I don’t know what else to say. It’s all too hard.

So, I’ll just end with the honest truth – you all are cared about.

You all matter.


21 thoughts on “Pain echoes.

  1. I’ve been thinking about this a lot too. When the hopelessness is overwhelming, I have to wonder if it even makes a difference in that moment knowing that people care. So maybe that makes it extra important to reach out before things get to that point, when it still does makes a difference to know people care. Because like you say, people do care. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ashley, you raised a really good point here. Because in the moment, when everything is too much, just simply knowing that people care may not be enough. You are so right about reaching out before that point, because then it may be able to help in some way. Thank-you for sharing your wonderful perspective, I really do appreciate it ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. This was such an important post, Kaitlyn. Suicide is such a difficult topic to discuss, because it paralyzes people from all sides. The ones who confide and the ones who are shared to. Nobody knows quite what to say. Everyone is afraid to make it worse. I think Ashley is right in that sometimes, during the darkest moments, no words are going to soothe the storm of someone who is suicidal. And yet, I choose to believe there is always something to be gained from hearing from another person that they matter, they care, they think you have value and importance. Those simple words have helped me many times before. Maybe it doesn’t ease their feelings, but it’s a reminder that interrupts the suicidal thinking for just a moment, which can make a difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love these words that you shared so, so incredibly much. Thank-you, truly, because they speak so much hope. And you are so right, just as Ashley is too, that even if words cannot help feelings of suicide in the moment, they can be there waiting for when the thoughts have calmed down a bit, or as you said provide a brief interruption of respite. Thank-you, truly, because I will treasure this message for a very long time. It has given me some peace and a new understanding that I didn’t have before about all of this 💛


  3. This is so important. I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently too, but haven’t been able to find words to put it into. You’ve done that perfectly. Thanks for sharing Kaitlyn, such an important post❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank-you so very much sweet Alys. I think it’s something that has been on a lot of our minds lately. It’s a really difficult thing to put into words, and to try and find the right way to talk about it, so I’m glad it turned out okay. Thank-you for your beautiful support lovely 💛

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so glad that someone like you has been brave enough to type this. Stopping the stigma to mental health is crucial, not so many people realise this until it happens. Life can be cruel to us but sometimes all we want is someone to realise the pain we feel, to rant about how we feel. I hope if there’s anyone reading this feeling this way, they reach out and know there are people like you and me who would listen and would try our best to help xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank-you so incredibly much for your message! And I completely agree, especially about needing others to realise the pain we feel. That is a great way to word it! I very much hope for the same, and thank-you also for writing about these things, like you did right here, because that is a great tool for reducing the stigma ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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