Clearing the cobwebs.

Last weekend, my husband and I set out to do something I had been avoiding for a long time. And I mean quite a while. Ever since I moved out of home about two years, I have procrastinated this task with cunning stealth. It makes me feel ashamed.

It has just occurred to me that many of these little pieces of my life that I share on this blog are about me avoiding something. Maybe this realisation is the universe giving me a little hint – “stop running.”

And so last weekend, I tried to stop running away from things that have to be dealt with. Running away from things that are painful. Perhaps the very fleeing, and the avoidance, are more painful that just facing it all head on.

But I don’t know. All I know is that it hurt, but at least it’s done. It’s not hanging over me in the same way anymore.

My parents, very kindly, were storing some boxes of things from my adolescence in their garage, while we sorted our housing out. They are incredible people. I have felt so guiltly for taking up some of their space, with useless things that I was avoiding going through.

I also do need to put it out there, that my procrastination of this task is not solely because of what it all meant. It’s also because the mere idea of sorting through things is something that I just generally, can’t stand. You know how everyone has that one household task they just cannot deal with? I’m happy to do dishes, vacuuming and laundry, but give me a box to sort through, and suddenly there are a billion other mundane tasks I will be doing instead.

So, we tackled the handful of boxes, and all that was inside. Most of the things we got rid of or donated, and all of those were easy to go through. We could laugh and reminisce over what was inside. 

Then we got to the stuff that was heavy. It was all tied to the illnesses that grew out of the past. I threw away my old, hidden set of scales. We got to the beautiful notes and art my friends made me during my dark time at school. We eventually reached around ten of my journals, documenting a period of about six years.

Writing upon these hundreds of pages, at the time, was nothing special. I realise now that I tended to write very matter of factly about what I was experiencing. Each page was littered with self-harm, weights, calories, exercise, suicidal thoughts, anxiety. Darkness seeped from journal to journal. At the time, it felt like it was no big deal, because this was my everyday. Life was used to being this way.

I couldn’t read most of them. I flipped through a couple, quickly, before realising that my parent’s garage on a beautiful summer’s day, probably wasn’t the right place or time. My husband suggested we put them in the recycle box. That seemed healthy; forgiving. But I couldn’t.

So now, they rest in a much smaller box, at the top of our wardrobe, along with a few other things we are bringing into adulthood with us. I don’t know why I am keeping them. They will not help me in my recovery. They only serve as triggering reminds, taunting me to read them and rejoin.

Recently, I have gotten rid of all my clothes that only fit a sick body. Photos that do not serve me are now out of reach. These small reminders are no longer part of my life. But my journals? I don’t know why, but I can’t bring myself to throw them away. I have to find a way to keep on going onwards and upwards, despite what they hold.


17 thoughts on “Clearing the cobwebs.

  1. You will be ready soon enough and only when you are ready will you feel safe discarding them. I suggest burning them, page by page. There is a sense of good bye that way, forever good bye

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  2. My old journals are also filled with dark things that I would rather forget, but I can never bring myself to dispose of them, I don’t think I ever will. They’re a part of me, a time in my life. Writing is my form of escape and I simply cannot get rid of my art, even if it wasn’t pretty .xx

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    1. Thank-you for your supportive words Chloe; I really like the way you think about it all! That it’s art, and part of us, even if it isn’t a reflection of who we are becoming today. You have planted a little new way of think in my brain; thank-you ❤

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  3. I don’t think I could get rid of my dark journals either, they still feel like a part of me I guess. Maybe one day. (Oh, by the way I nominated you for an award in my most recent post ❤ )

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    1. Aww Alys, you sweet soul! Thank-you so much! And thank-you also for your understand; it’s hard to part with things that are part of us, even if they no longer represent who we are ❤

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  4. Hm. I suppose it’s a good reminder of who you’re not anymore, where you’ve come from, and a place/person you don’t want to be again maybe. I guess, I hope you really dont dwell on it, and find joy in your new life. Always smiling because you survived and are here 🙂 Take care Kaitlyn, and God bless.

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    1. Thank-you for your support Kate. It’s a tough one for sure! Well done to you for getting rid of them, but then I also understand how it may be regretful. I hope some peace about it all comes your way ❤

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  5. I have years of journals that bring me back to the past darker times in my life too… Isn’t it a strange thing that those words on the pages no longer represent the person I am now, it’s like I keep them not because I want to cling onto those memories but because I don’t want to forget where I came from and what I experienced to get as far as I did. Good luck to you no matter what you decide in the end.

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