New Year’s Eve.

Right now it’s the morning of New Year’s Eve. We get to welcome the sun and each new morning first in our little country, which is something that makes me happy. I love mornings, as I’m definitely a morning person rather than a night person, and so each one feels like a small opportunity for a new beginning.

Today, however, is a tricky day for me. I’m trying to go about my day normally, but it’s difficult. I was hoping to write a more positive piece about this past year, and all the magical parts of it, but I couldn’t get past today, and what today means.

The thing about trauma happening on specific holidays is that it’s hard to forget the date. Not that I imagine it would be easy to forget the date of trauma on other days, but in some cases it’s related to the festivities of the specific holiday itself. It’s hard for New Year’s Eve to simply be only what it is meant to be – New Year’s Eve.

Instead of today being December 31st 2017, it’s a day defined by being three years since; an anniversary of sorts. After so many days of anxiety leading up to today, now that its here, I feel a weird kind of calm. For today, I don’t have to dread it’s approach anymore. The lead up to specific days is something that the anxiety loves.

Today, I’m going to work, and then a couple of friends are coming over tonight. Nothing I can’t handle on any other day, regardless of what the anxiety says. I would rather hide in bed today, but that won’t help to make me feel any better, and so carrying on as normal is a must.

I find solace in that other people too, all around the world, are surviving another year since whatever they have been through. Although this is sad and horrible, and must feel unbearable for so many, to not be alone in this experience is connecting and reassuring.

Perhaps today will be for making some new memories. Or maybe it will be an ordinary, unremarkable day. Maybe I’ll be able to find some small beauty in today. 

Today won’t be what today was three years ago. Today is a different day, standing at the mouth of the big wide realm of possibility. Today has begun and today will end. Today will just be. Today is just a day after all.