Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just lost all control.
If my mind completely spun into a whirlpool, and it just kept going around and around, and I went along for the ride too.
Sometimes I’m scared that’s going to happen.
Tonight while walking across the foyer at work, I suddenly thought “what would happen if I just lost it all, right here?”
Sometimes I just want to scream and self-harm and not use coping techniques, and just spiral and spiral and float away. Just to run and run and keep on going.
Sometimes I get so caught up in what I believe other people think of me, or in all the things I believe I have done wrong, and it’s hard to escape.
When I was a little kid, I used to see animals that weren’t really there.
Seals would curl around my bed, cheetahs would mark bedroom walls, and rabbits would hop across the footpath.
They wouldn’t harm me, and I wasn’t scared of them. They were just there, and I liked their company.
Tonight I wondered what would happen if I just went along with everything my mind would say to do.
To do all sorts of ridiculous things which I’m guessing would not end well.
It always gets better at some point, I know that, it’s just the very being in it which is hard.
What does all of this mean?
Am I going crazy? Am I losing my mind?
I know some people don’t like those phrases and words, and I can understand why. But this is how I feel right now.
I think I am.
Or maybe I am already there.
Some days are good days, and some days are tough. This was written a couple of days ago during one of anxiety’s rages, and I don’t usually write in the moment when things aren’t good. What matters now is that things are okay. There is rain, my husband’s arms, kind friends, a beaming sun. So many wonderful things. Life has many ebbs and flows, and we just have to find a way to keep on going.
With Being Alive. 